Fuck the American Film Institute!

This is my top 100 movies of all time list:

1. The Bicycle Thief – Vittorio De Sica
2. The Tree of The Wooden Clogs - Ermanno Olmi
3. Rashomon – Akira Kurosawa
4. Metropolis - Fritz Lang
5. La Strada – Federico Fellini
6. Nights of Cabiria - Federico Fellini
7. 8 ½ - Federico Fellini
8. Ikiru - Akira Kurosawa
9. Accatone – Pier Paulo Pasolini
10. The 400 Blows - François Truffaut
11. La Terra Trema - Luchino Visconti
12. Ran – Akira Kurosawa
13. Double Suicide - Masahiro Shinoda
14. Umberto D. - Vittorio De Sica
15. Citizen Kane - Orson Welles
16. Monty Python and The Holy Grail - Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam
17. Once Upon a Time in The West - Sergio Leone
18. Lawrence of Arabia – David Lean
19. I Vitteloni – Federico Fellini
20. Mamma Roma – Pier Paulo Pasolini
21. Yojimbo – Akira Kurosawa
22. Salo - Pier Paulo Pasolini
23. Rocco and His Brothers – Luchino Visconti
24. I Fidanzati – Ermanno Olmi
25. The Seventh Seal - Ingmar Bergman
26. Seven Samurai – Akria Kurosawa
27. Edipo Re - Pier Paulo Pasolini
28. La Dolce Vita - Federico Fellini
29. Angela's Ashes - Alan Parker
30. L' Aaventura - Michelangelo Antonioni
31. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly – Sergio Leone
32. Last Tango in Paris - Bernardo Bertolucci
33. On The Waterfront - Elia Kazan
34. The Hidden Fortress - Akira Kurosawa
35. Once Were Warriors - Lee Tamahori
36. Boccaccio 70’ – Monicelli, Fellini, Visconti, De Sica
37. The Red Violin - Francois Girard
38. The Leopard - Luchino Visconti
39. Life of Brian - Terry Jones
40. The Last Emperor - Bernardo Bertolucci
41. Stray Dog - Akira Kurosawa
42. Doctor Zhivago – David Lean
43. The Decameron – Pier Paulo Pasolini
44. Touch of Evil - Orson Welles
45. The Seduction of Mimi - Lina Wertmuller
46. Naked Lunch - David Cronenberg
47. The Shawshank Redemption - Frank Darabont
48. Sanjuro - Akira Kurosawa
49. Requiem For a Heavyweight - Ralph Nelson
50. Salvatore Giuliano - Francesco Rosi
51. Videodrome – David Cronenberg
52. Shine – Scott Hicks
53. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - Terry Gilliam
54. For a Few Dollars More – Sergio Leone
55. Seven Beauties - Lina Wertmuller
56. Fist Full of Dollars – Sergio Leone
57. The Godfather Part II - Francis Ford Coppola
58. Cinema Paradiso - Giuseppe Tornatore
59. Boogie Nights - Paul Thomas Anderson
60. Love and Anarchy - Lina Wertmuller
61. A Clockwork Orange - Stanley Kubrick
62. The Elephant Man - David Lynch
63. Raging Bull - Martin Scorcese
64. Brazil - Terry Gilliam
65. The Honeymoon Killers - Leonard Kastle
66. Dead Ringers - David Cronenberg
67. Koyaanisqatsi - Godfrey Reggio
68. Powaquatsi - Godfrey Reggio
69. Farinelli - Gérard Corbiau
70. The Meaning of Life - Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones
71. The Last Temptation of Christ - Martin Scorcese
72. Full Metal Jacket - Stanley Kubrick
73. Once Upon a Time in America - Sergio Leone
74. The Evil Dead - Sam Raimi
75. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead - Tom Stoppard
76. Leolo - Jean-Claude Lauzon
77. Platoon - Oliver Stone
78. The Piano - Jane Champion
79. Caligula - Tinto Brass and Bob Guccione
80. Bad Lieutenant - Abel Ferrara
81. Trainspotting – Danny Boyle
82. Rushmore – Wes Anderson
83. Goodfellas - Martin Scorcese
84. Time Bandits - Terry Gilliam
85. City of God - Fernando Meirelles and Katia Lund
86. Ed Wood - Tim Burton
87. Fight Club - David Fincher
88. Barton Fink - Joel Coen
89. American History X - Tony Kaye
90. Jesus' Son - Alison Maclean
91. Glengarry Glen Ross - James Foley
92. The Big Lebowski - Joel Coen
93. Seven - David Fincher
94. The Machinist - Brad Anderson
95. Office Space - Mike Judge
96. Hard Core Logo - Bruce McDonald
97. Chopper - Andrew Dominik
98. American Pshyco - Marry Harron
99. Better Off Dead - Savage Steve Holland
100. Equilibrium - Kurt Wimmer

From One Ugly Man to Another.

1. Develop a sharper sense of humour than the people you know. By developing a sharp sense of humour you'll enable yourself to make fun of your own appearance better than anyone else can. Thus filling the void yourself and leaving no room for others to do so.

2. Homosexuality is not the answer (I'm not gay). Being ugly is not a good excuse to turn gay. The only excuse to turn gay is actually being gay. Being horny is not a good reason. Besides, they're a lot more picky when it comes to appearance than women are. From what I've heard.

3. Keep a good distance when walking behind a beautiful woman. Yes, most of the time, they think you're following them. Why? Some of them are self-centred bitches with eating disorders. If you're too close you can cross the street, walk slower, breath lighter, stop and pretend to tie your shoelace’s, ECT.

4. Don't be the shoulder to cry on. It doesn't fucking work! Trust me. You'd have better luck getting laid if you kicked them and spat on them when they're down. You might get invited to the slumber party but you'll have to sleep in another room.

5. Do pretend to be rich or successful. This usually works. No guilt involved. If they fall for it, they got what they deserved.

6. Too good is no good. Too innocent is always an act. If she's not living in a convent she's full of shit. She's gonna make you her slave and then slowly reveal the truth piece by piece.

7. Don’t grow a beard. Don’t grow a beard unless you’re already married or a revolutionist of some sort. Women don’t like them, period. A Goatee is cool. Moustaches are kind of gay but if you drive a cool car like Magnum P.I. it’ll work.

8. Don’t talk to yourself in public. It’s bad enough you’re ugly, at least try to appear to be sane.

9. Stop buying new Weezer albums. They’re never gonna come out with an album better than Pinkerton or Blue. Rivers is no longer nerdy. He’s a multi-millionaire rock star who no longer has a clue how to musically/lyrically connect with his real fans.

10. Don’t judge other people by their appearance. This kinda goes without saying but I’m running out of advice to give.

11. Get yourself a copy of Don Quixote and read it. It’ll cheer you up. You’ll thank me.